The Woes of Swim Meets
by Ivoryi
Summary: In a freak lightning storm, 4 elves appear at a swim meet. They're introduced to buffalo wings, malls, evangelists, Hot Topic, and cardboard cutouts of themselves. What will happen next!
1. What in Meyer's Boxer Shorts!

Hey y'all! I don't own the Lord of the Rings, any form of comedy. I just own Sam and Ryan and any random fangirls that may appear in this story which was written by me and Howe the Brown Cow and inspired by our hellish experiences in Biology. Please R&R! This is my first fic and Howe's 4th if I'm not mistaken. So be nice or I'll track you down!  
  
Chapter 1 Swim Meet  
  
"Some one shoot me." "Kill me now."  
  
Two girls slumped farther into their seats  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm hungry" They both giggled.  
  
"Ryan, Sam" They both snapped to attention. Mr. Brand, their bio teacher, towered before them. "Since you've both been paying attention, perhaps you can tell the class what the function of the Endoplasmic Reticulum is within the cell."  
  
Sam gulped. "Ryan?." she whispered. "What is it? I don't know, I'm a slacker, you know that!"  
  
"Uh.it transports things throughout the cell?" Ryan's eyes flickered from her notes to Mr. Brand's face. "That is correct!"  
  
"Well, duh."  
  
Mr. Brand's attention let the two girls and returned to the class, talking about God knows what. He seemed very excited and Sam guessed it was probably the science fair. He always got worked up about the science fair. He was an okay guy, but old and very strange. Like he called a pencil a "writing stick" and a hand "a paw." It would've been cute if she hadn't received her progress report yesterday. Dang.  
  
"Sam! Come on! We're gonna be late again and it'll be your fault and we'll encourage the wrath of Meyers, so get your butt moving!"  
  
"What?.Oh! We have a swim meet today, huh?" "Well, I wasn't talking about going to Dairy Queen!" Ryan shouted.  
  
*Later.at the swim meet  
  
The girls sat in the bleachers waiting for their coach to scream out their names. Ryan and Sam were sitting on the bottom bench looking dejectedly at the water as if it was going to rip the skin off their bodies if they touched it (which was their inevitable fate).  
  
"Oh, God, Sam it looks so cold."  
  
"It is November, Ryan. If the a pool outside in November isn't cold, I wouldn't swim in it."  
  
"Great. It's like 'don't eat yellow snow', isn't it"  
  
"See, you understand me. That's why I made you join the swim team."  
  
"Oh yeah. I forgot to thank you for calling my parents with a fake Meyers' voice and telling them I am actually athletic, disregarding popular belief" Ryan exclaimed sarcastically.  
  
"No problem. Do you think it'll rain?"  
  
"Sam, this is Washington in November."  
  
"You have a point there. Hey I was just thin.What the hell?!"  
  
Between events, the pool was empty. As soon as the last girl was out of the water, a bolt of lightning hit the water. An eerie silence followed. Everything was fading in and out of black. Well, at least for the four elves floating in the pool, practically drowning from the weight of their clothes and weapons.  
  
"Oh.my.God!!!!" a random girl from the opposing team exclaimed. "They're here! I always knew they'd come for me!!"  
  
"Sam, what in Meyers boxer shorts is going on?"  
  
"I'm not sure, but that guy looks very similar to Elrohir and that one kinda almost looks like Haldir and that maybe looks like Arwen, but that one is definitely.LEGOLAS!"  
  
The girls jumped into the pool and Sam caught Haldir's head before he smashed into the side of the pool. Half the people in near the pool were just standing in shock, but some very brave (or crazy) people were in the pool. Ryan grabbed a chick that was holding Arwen underwater and pushed her away. Elrohir was floundering in the shallow end, and Ryan pulled his head up while Sam grabbed Legolas and Haldir and dragged them to the locker room, with Ryan, Arwen, and a spluttering Elrohir followed.  
  
"Ok, ok, ok, ok.."  
  
"Sam, you're mumbling again."  
  
"I think I have the right to mumble at a time like this, Ryan!"  
  
"Okay, take it easy. Now are you guys really Haldir, Legolas, Elrohir and Arwen, like Sam said?" Just then, a naked fangirl walked out of the shower, right past the six of them, stopped, turned around, saw the pointy eared elves who had just materialized in the pool, screamed hysterically for about thirty seconds, ran in circles right out the door, and wouldn't you know it, locked the door behind her. The basketball team was quite ready to help her. Thank God for that dang door. (If you go to Timberline High School in Lacey, Washington and have been privileged to be locked out of the girls locker room, you know what I'm talking about).  
  
Legolas almost choked on his tongue. "What in Elbereth was that?"  
  
Ryan gazed at him blankly. "You don't want to know. Trust me"  
  
Suddenly a piercing shriek came through the locked door. "Please, Leggy, I just want to lick you a little, just a little, oh god!!!"  
  
"Ignore it."  
  
"Ryan, we have to get them out of here or soon there'll be 30 girls in here trying lick them and I just had a visual image of that in my head and I think I'm gonna throw up, so get them out!"  
  
"Okay, okay. But first you have to answer my question."  
  
Haldir looked perfectly confused. "Excuse me, but I believe we've all forgotten what it was."  
  
Ryan sighed. "Are you Haldir, Elrohir, Legolas and Arwen. And don't think you can screw with my head because I'll hunt you down and tie you to a tree (believe me there are plenty of them here) and pour honey all over you so the bears will have an easier time finding you!"  
  
Elrohir swallowed. "I am Elrohir, son of Lord Elrond of Rivendell."  
  
"And I am Arwen, daughter of Lord Elrond of Rivendell."  
  
"And I am Haldir, marchwarden to the Lady Galadriel of Lothlorien."  
  
"And I am Legolas, son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood."  
  
"O crap. I really hoped they were kidding. Now how the heck did you get here?"  
  
"Um, Ryan, I really think we should just skip the questions and get them out of here, cause the meet is winding down and I hear stampeding footsteps, so hurry up!"  
  
"Okay Sam. We can.um.oh I know! We can take them to my house. Remember, my parents left for the week to look at colleges with good swim programs!"  
  
"See, I told you joining was a good thing."  
  
"Yeah. Whatever. Let's move it!" 


	2. O God What Have We Done or Musings of El...

Hi. It's me. I really hoped you liked the first chapter of our story, The Woes of Swim Meets. The characters Sam and Ryan are loosely based on Howe and I if you haven't already guessed, but who doesn't write a Mary Sue without the characters being based on themselves?! Only crazy people. Please R&R if you haven't done so, I seriously have an inferiority complex about this story. You can even flame if you want to. Oh and please e-mail Howe or I. Our e-mail addresses are in our bios. Love you all!  
  
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REVIEWERS ARE LOVED!  
  
Lady Blink: O God Kayla we all miss you too! *Two Tears* Thanx for your review! I'm on 3 peoples fav author list. I'm so happy! Bettianne is a bitch but that was never debated now was it? Thank the Lord I don't have any classes with her this year. O yeah I forgot she's stupid as .anyway, I hope to get an e-mail from you soon *hint hint*  
  
MizuRaccu: Thanx hon. I've never really been to a swim meet with you guys before and I know the pool isn't outside but there had to be lightning! I'm glad I got it right. And I know you fell off your chair in Comm Tech cause I sit right next to ya! LoL  
  
Howe the Brown Cow: Ok, I know we're supposed to be writing this together but my stupid Internet is not letting me send this chapter to you so you'll just have to read it. Next chappy I promise! Take me with you to ROTK midnight premiere. *kissing Howe's feet* I'll do anything! I'd do your homework but your teachers might get suspicious! LOL just jokin' hon!  
  
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Chapter 2 O God What Have We Done  
  
"Well, this is awkward."  
  
"Shut up Sam. We're in deep sh.."  
  
"Oh, Ryan. You're overreacting."  
  
"Sam, we have 4 elves in the back of your Honda Acura! An hour ago we were in Biology trying not fail the stupid class and now we have fictional characters hanging their heads out the window trying to talk to the trees!!! You're right, I shouldn't overreact. After all this is a perfectly normal situation for us to be in!" Ryan shouted sarcastically.  
  
"Um, excuse me, but what did you say this contraption is called?" Arwen asked disgustedly.  
  
"It's called a car. It moves things quickly without a lot of physical labor and pain. Unlike riding horses." Ryan shuddered, remembering how she felt after the 2 day long horseback-riding trip she had gone on with her parents.  
  
"Oh. And where did you say we are?"  
  
"You are in Lacey. It's a moderately large city in Washington in the United States of America which is not in Middle Earth."  
  
"I see. And what race is this city primarily populated by? You look like Men but one can never be sure."  
  
"First of all we are both women. This city is indeed populated by Men but I don't care to call them that. They are blood sucking parasites who have no respect for values, good music or good food. They're insensitive back stabbing jerks who only want to sleep with the first women who comes along with a D-cup bra and filling. I can't believe I thought he actually liked me, that arrogant jerk."  
  
"Excuse me, but you sound a little bitter." Legolas observed.  
  
Sam groaned. "Oh, believe me, she's been worse. I apologize for her behavior. Her boyfriend just broke up with her to go be with one of the sleazy cheerleaders."  
  
"Ah." They didn't have any idea what she was talking about but they all understood that Ryan apparently had had a bad experience with a male from her race. "Okay, here we are!"  
  
"What is that?!"  
  
The elves were in silent shock. It looked like a hut, but was too tall. It certainly wasn't a castle for neither Ryan or Sam were acting very noble or regal.  
  
"It's my house." Ryan exclaimed rather defensively. "And if you don't want to sleep out in the backyard with the frogs and the rain, I would recommend that you not look upon this humble abode so negatively."  
  
Haldir wasn't sure whether to shoot Ryan with an arrow or kiss her. Actually, on second thought, he'd much rather shoot Ryan with an arrow and kiss Sam. Sam had been understandably quite while Ryan shot sarcastic and bitter comments at the elves. Her quiet nature had impressed him, for he himself never got to say more than two lines in either of the stinkin' movies and then they killed him off for no good reason; he didn't even get a dramatic death scene although shouts of injustice were heard all across the world as tearful girls sat in horror as the stupid stunt guy killed him off.(sorry just some author ranting; he really should have gotten more lines though; it's not fair).  
  
Elrohir was quite taken with Ryan, however. He didn't understand her but there was a mystery there that he liked and being immortal, he would ignore her sarcastic ravings and hopefully gain her friendship. He hoped that once he got to know her a little better, she wouldn't yell at him so much.  
  
Arwen was annoyed. Everything in this rathole was so...dirty. She missed Aragorn and prayed to the Valar that he wasn't sleeping with Eowyn. Arwen didn't know if she liked the two strange girls yet, but she felt a sense of comradarie with Ryan who seemed to have men troubles of her own. And if she was indeed transported out of Middlearth like the girls said, why did her annoying little brother have to come along? It was bad enough when he was home, but traveling with him?! She had to get out of here. And fast.  
  
Legolas. Legolas was scared. Ryan scared him, Sam scared him, this 'car' scared him, even the trees in this strange world scared him.  
  
Where the hell was his dagger anyway? 


	3. Applebee's Waiters of Ghost Chickens for...

Hey yo! We finally wrote this chapter together! Go us! We really need to get some reviews from other people, whom we DON'T know!  
  
We don't own Lord of the Rings or Applebees. But some day. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* But reviewers are greatly appreciated so we'd like to take some time to thank our buddies (  
  
PhoenixJay27: Thanx so much! You make us very happy *little dance of appreciation that looks like an Irish jig* Keep R&R!  
  
Parry Aldon: You're right, you don't have any wrath, but we're gonna keep going just for the heck of it  
  
Lady Blink: sex scenes?! I am not having sex with Elrohir although in this chappy, Eliz gets pretty darn excited about a kiss (JUST A PECK I PROMISE!)  
  
MizuRaccu: We love you! Thanx for forcing me to become an author. It's a lot of fun! Hope you like this chapter  
  
Howe the Brown Cow: Don't get too excited, we make fools out of ourselves in this one! TTT extended edition! Denethor really needs to die. I so wanted to go to the midnight premiere with you! Oh well, we'll just go over Winter Break YEAH!!!!  
  
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Ryan pulled the car into the driveway and all of the elves unloaded from the back seat. "Welcome to my humble abode." She waved her arms in the air showing off her house. Arwen scoffed under her breath.  
  
"Some house..."  
  
"Arwen! They are our hosts! You shouldn't insult them!" muttered Elrohir  
  
"Are you two coming or not?" shouted Ryan who had already lead Sam and the other elves into the house. Elrohir glanced at his sister and then followed Ryan into the house. Arwen sneered and slowly followed behind.  
  
"Need caffeine!" Sam dug through Ryan's refrigerator. "Ha ha! I win!" Grabbing a Pepsi she opened it and chugged. Legolas timidly watched from the doorway. "What are you drinking?" "This my friend is a soda. Wanna try one?" Sam tossed the elf a can. After a few attempts and some coaching he finally got it opened and took a sip. He yelped spitting Pepsi all over Sam's face. "It fizzes!"  
  
"Sam what in the world are you doing!?" Ryan stood behind a very scared Legolas with Haldir, Elrohir, and Arwen.  
  
Sam shrugged, "Er...giving Leggie a drink?" Ryan groaned and slapped her forehead.  
  
"Why me? Why am I surrounded by idiots!?"  
  
"Come on you know you love me." Sam grinned elbowing Ryan's side. "You know you do deep down inside!" Ryan rolled her eyes.  
  
"Well. I guess I should show you guys."  
  
Arwen cleared her throat. "And girls around the house so you don't end up killing yourselves."  
  
"Good idea Ryan. I'll just stick around down here in the familly room and watch TV while you do that." Ryan glared at Sam. "Ok, Ok I'll help!" And so began the task of explaining how appliances and such worked.  
  
"As you can see," stated Ryan, "We are in the kitchen. This is the oven." She pointed towards the stove top. "Do not touch. This over here is the dish washer. Do not touch. Here is what we call a toaster. Don't touch that either. Are there any questions so far?" Legolas raised his hand.  
  
"Any at all? No? Good. Moving right along..."  
  
The tour continued like this through the house.  
  
"This is your room Arwen." Ryan pointed to the bathroom. "You shall sleep here," pointing to the bathtub.  
  
"Are you sure people actually sleep here?"  
  
"Okay, this is my world. Got it? I can tell you to sleep wherever I want and I would kindly ask you to refrain from questioning my judgement as to your sleeping accommodations. Okay?!"  
  
"Yeah sure whatever. Just agree with her, Arwen and she'll be a lot nicer!" Elrohir said all in one breath.  
  
"Right." Ryan was a little amazed. Most people didn't catch on to that until after 20 or more insults. She hadn't insulted Elrohir; it was mostly Arwen that she was regretting saving earlier in the pool. Elrohir seemed to understand her. Hmmm.  
  
"Okay Ryan let's give Elrohir and Legolas the twins' bunk beds."  
  
"Good idea and I guess we can give Arwen my room and Haldir can sleep in my parent's room."  
  
"Thank you my ladies. Your hospitality is greatly appreciated and will not go unrewarded." Haldir bowed deeply and kissed both their hands.  
  
Sam went into a fit of giggles and ran into the bathroom to stop hyperventilating. Ryan grabbed her hand back and wiped the back of it on her jeans.  
  
"Well, whatever. Just stay here. I guess we'll have to take you with us to school tomorrow, we can't leave you here by yourselves."  
  
"We are capable of taking care of ourselves." Arwen fumed.  
  
"Yes, I'm quite aware of that (especially since you managed to snatch up Aragorn so fast) in Middlearth. Here, you know nothing about this world. I would advise you to heed my instructions if you wish to survive and function here.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Do you eat food here?" Legolas asked timidly. By the Valar what is a bunk bed? He started to feel homesick. He missed Mirkwood and his ada.  
  
"Do we eat food? Oh man, let me show you the delicacies of Applebees!"  
  
"Sam, you can't feed him that stuff! It'll make him sick! He's not used to eating chicken fried steak and apple pie a la mode and buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks and nachos.I'm driving! Everybody back in the car!"  
  
The elves looked around, sure that it was one of those things they weren't supposed to touch.  
  
"The thing we rode here in!"  
  
"Oh!" They dashed out, each determined to get the best seat.  
  
"Ladies first" Arwen screamed.  
  
"I'll protect you all if there is a foul demon herein!" Haldir exclaimed.  
  
"I'm Elrond's son!" Elrohir shrieked.  
  
"I'm a prince!" Legolas cried (timidly).  
  
The other three looked at each other.  
  
"Well, I suppose that means he does get to choose first." Haldir relented.  
  
"Thank you." Legolas climbed into the backseat of the Accord only to be squashed by Arwen, Haldir and Elrohir (in that order) who scrambled into the car. Ryan shot them all looks that clearly said, "You're all nuts" in any language.  
  
Applebees was heaven.  
  
"I ate so much I don't think I'll ever be able to outrun a warg again."  
  
Ryan sputtered on her virgin margarita and started laughing until she fell on the floor.  
  
"Is she alright?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Yeah. It's just been really weird. It's not everyday 4 elves show up at your swim meet and you end up taking them out to dinner."  
  
Elrohir thought about this. What was so strange about elves. They weren't as unusual as hobbits. He glanced at Ryan, who was wiping tears out of her eyes from her recent explosion. He decided he liked her laugh and her smile, neither of which he had seen until just now.  
  
The waiter came by to clear their plates. They all looked as if they were about to explode so he wasn't sure if he should offer dessert. He didn't want to have to clean up barf again like last night. He walked up to the table and began taking the ravaged plates away.  
  
"No, stop there's one more wing left!" Legolas tackled the waiter and pointed a small dagger at his neck. The waiter handed over the last buffalo wing, praying for his life.  
  
Legolas inhaled the food, then licked his fingers. Then he noticed all the stares he was getting around the restaurant.  
  
"I was just a little hungry." He replied. (Timidly. Do you see a pattern emerging here?)  
  
The manager ran up. "What the hell is going on here?"  
  
Sam tried to stop laughing long enough to answer him. "Our friend just wanted the last buffalo wing. The waiter tried to clear the table and he got a little angry. Sorry."  
  
"What? Oh, no. You're fired."  
  
"Why? What'd I do? I was just doing my job and the guy jumped on top of me. You can't fire me for that!" The waiter was quite hysterical.  
  
"Yeah, well you didn't ask if he was done. That's rule number 6 found on page 201 in handbook 3 of the Applebee's Customer Service guide!" (Manager winks at camera that's videotaping commercial).  
  
"Well, I quit!"  
  
"You can't quit, I fired you!"  
  
"Oh yeah." The waiter walked out of the restaurant dejectedly.  
  
"I'm sorry about that. Hey are you four going to a medieval Renaissance fair or what? Great costumes. My wife loves to sew. Did you make them yourselves? They're really good. I love that color. What's that called?"  
  
The senior manager walked up. "Ron, you're fired."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You were rambling. Being short, concise and brief is rule number 9 found on page 173 of Handbook 5 of the Applebee's customer service guide!"  
  
Meanwhile, Sam, Ryan and the 4 elves who had no idea what just happened slipped out the back, neglecting to pay their bill.  
  
"You know Sam. That manager was right. The elves look weird. We have to get them some clothes before school on Monday."  
  
"Yeah, but where should we go to get clothes?"  
  
"Don't look at me, you know I hate the mall."  
  
"So do I, so we have to take them together. Even though I'd rather die."  
  
"Okay guys. Tonight: Applebees! Tomorrow: THE MALL!"  
  
That was weird. 'What in Elbereth is a mall?' Once again, Legolas was scared. 


	4. Mall, Schmall, and Evangelists

We greatly appreciate all the reviews. We'd like MORE!!! But whatever. We don't own LOTR or anything that looks like it belongs to Tolkien (GOD!). Review..........Review.........Review, because we love reviewers and we'll send you muse power!!! Or plush Pippin toys!!! ( Love you all and enjoy!!!  
  
~~~~~~*~~~~~~~ An earth shattering yell broke the serene, quiet morning; sending birds flying out of the trees.  
  
"WAKE UP!" Ryan yanked the blanket off the huddled form of Sam  
  
"Ugh...five more minutes"  
  
Ryan glared and pushed the delirious girl off the green couch. With a loud thump and a groan, Sam got up and rubber tender elbow.  
  
"Stupid coffee table! Hey watch it!"  
  
A pair of pants and a shirt collided with the drowsy face and landed in a pile on her lap. Ryan wondered how Sam could not be a morning person and strutted out of the room.  
  
"Now for the terrible four"  
  
Turning right she made her way the carpeted stairs and down the hallway to her twin sisters room. She swung the door open and crept in on tip toes. Legolas was on the bottom bunk curled in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.  
  
"Boy does that say a lot about royalty." she mused to herself "Oh God they're dead!"  
  
The elf laid there blue eyes wide and glazed, looking at nothing.  
  
*Calm down* Ryan she scolded herself. *They sleep with them open remember!*  
  
When she got close enough she slowly climbed up the ladder to the top bunk. Ryan snorted, almost falling backwards at the sight of Elrohir: no shirt on, his butt in the air, and the blankets almost pushed off the ends of the bed. But to top it all off he was sporting a nice drool spot on his pillow. Ryan snorted again and then completely lost it, bursting into a fit of laughter.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  
  
Poor Legolas on the bottom bunk bolted upright, eyes filled with terror. Elrohir on the other hand, had taken a second longer than his elven counterpart. He grunted and sat up still half asleep. Where was he? Wait. Ryan laughing at him...and in his room! The tips of Elrohir's ears turned pink and then brilliant red.  
  
"RYAN!"  
  
{Back with Sam}  
  
After rudely being awoken, Sam drug her body into the bathroom to change into the clothes Ryan had thrown to her.....or at her rather. "Curse Ryan and her early bird-ness." She made her way down to the kitchen to make some coffee, the greatest gift to mankind, when a laughter followed by a loud 'RYAN' echoed from up the stairs.  
  
Sam snickered, "Must have woken up Leggie and Elrohir." Then a devilish grin crossed her face. That should wake the others.  
  
She crept up the stairway and past the twins room where Ryan was currently rolling on the floor in front of a furiously blushing Elrohir, with no shirt on, and Legolas who was trying to shove himself under the bed in an attempt to escape the maniacally laughing girl.  
  
"Having a bit of fun I see."  
  
"You shoulda-he was-and then-"  
  
Ryan collapsed into a whole new fit of laughter and clutched her stomach.  
  
"Riiiighttt."  
  
Sam slowly backed out of the room trying not to make any sudden movements and headed down the hall to where Haldir slept.  
  
"Is that what I think it is?"  
  
Because of Ryan's vicious laughter Sam had missed the horrendously loud snoring issuing from the room at the end of the hall. Turning the golden door knob, Sam slowly eased the door open. There lay Haldir, sprawled across the bed, mouth wide open and snoring.  
  
"Uh, Haldir, wake up."  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Haldir," she said a bit louder.  
  
"HALDIR!!"  
  
"ORC ATTACK!!!"  
  
Haldir leapt to his feet with amazing speed setting his body into a battle stance atop the water bed.  
  
"My bow! Where has it gone?!"  
  
Sam snickered and left the poor elf standing atop the messy bed still shouting about his bloody bow.  
  
~ * ~ After the two girls woke up the remaining elf, Arwen, whom they found gripping the sheets of Ryan's bed, eyes blood-shot, muttering that Ryan's large tabby cat, Sunny, had rubbed against her all night long, they lead the small group downstairs for breakfast.  
  
"Now," announced Ryan, "We have for breakfast a multitude of choices. You may choose from Wheaties, Cheerio's, Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, and Rice Krispies."  
  
"Cheer-os?" questioned Arwen. She glanced at Ryan as if she were mad. "Yes, now choose a cereal because I don't feel like cooking for all of you."  
  
"I CALL MY ASIAN POPPERS!!" Sam snatched the box of Rice Krispies off the counter.  
  
Ryan groaned, "Why do you insist on calling them that?"  
  
"Fan Fiction. You can thank Tori Yuki Ichimura for that." answered Sam smugly.  
  
"I would like to try these 'Asian Poppers'." Haldir looked at Sam.  
  
"Good choice!"  
  
"You're both hopeless."  
  
After much debating and yelling, can't have one without the other, everyone had picked out their cereal and had started eating. Surprisingly, Legolas had chosen colorful Fruit Loops, Ryan and Elrohir had Lucky Charms, and Arwen chowed down on her choice of Cheerios. After throwing their bowls into the sink, Ryan herded the group upstairs to pick out clothes.  
  
*LATER AT THE MALL*  
  
"By the Valar!"  
  
"Oh please Haldir. It's not that great. Actually it's quite the hellhole of silicone."  
  
"Ryan shut up. I think his wide-eyed innocence is quite.........charming *sigh*  
  
Ryan regarded Sam with a speculative glare. "Pick your chin up off the floor. We're here to get clothes and not drool on the elves. And I absolutely forbid you to 'help' them put on the clothes in the dressing room!"  
  
*Well, well, well.* thought Sam. *That certainly says something about where her mind is going.* (snicker).  
  
*INSIDE HOT TOPIC (which we don't own either)*  
  
Arwen was deeply frustrated by the place she found herself in. "Ryan, I'm afraid that I cannot read your inferior mortal language."  
  
That seemed to be the last straw for Ryan as she stomped over to Arwen. "Shove it Arwen. Don't knock our 'inferior mortal language.' If I seemed to remember correctly, your boyfriend doesn't exactly have frequent flier miles in regards to Death. The shirt says, Kiss Me I'm A Pirate."  
  
Sam applauded from across the store and got an evil eye glare from the pink- haired girl behind the counter (who was ironically reading Seventeen).  
  
"So, what exactly is a pirate?" Arwen was quite sure that she didn't want to know, but it would help to be familiar with the style of dress; no matter how revolting it seemed to be.  
  
"Well, it's a cross between Keith Richards and a sailor. Basically it's a guy on a boat who kills and steals."  
  
"How vulgar!" Arwen was thoroughly disgusted at the thought of kissing such a thing. Sure, Aragorn was dirty, but that was completely different. (sigh).  
  
Legolas (timidly of course) touched the shirt. He was drawn to it somehow that he could not explain. But he felt that he had the right to wear such a cloth.  
  
"Oh. I like this. Would I be allowed to wear the cloak?"  
  
Sam and Ryan glanced at each other, muttered something about pirates and a Johnny Depp to each other and conceded to Legolas' desire.  
  
"Ai Elbereth! It's Merry and Pippin!" Arwen screamed across the store to Ryan and Sam.  
  
The girl (still reading that goddam Seventeen) stared at her with blood- lust in her eyes. *God I hate it when they scream* she thought to herself.  
  
"NO! You're not getting the same tee as me!!!!!" Sam felt very suicidal at the thought of Arwen wearing the same shirt (in public) as herself.  
  
"It's okay Arwen. We'll get you this sweatshirt. It says MORE PARTIES, MORE BOYS, MORE KISSING." Ryan, the diplomat, was hoping that Arwen would not realize that this was a direct attack on her personality.  
  
"OOOOHH!" Apparently not, for now Arwen was stroking the shirt.  
  
"Elrohir, Haldir, we have picked shirts for you guys." Sam was giggling so hard, she could hardly contain herself as she handed Haldir his new 'Earth' wardrobe.  
  
"And what does this say, lovely one?" "It *giggle* says um, *giggle* MOTORHEAD ENGLAND *giggle*"  
  
Haldir thought the giggling and the pink in Sam's cheeks suited her very nicely. "I like it very much. Thank you, milady."  
  
"*giggle* *giggle* You're welcome." Sam ran away to the Food Court to scream hysterically, leaving Ryan to pay for the new clothes.  
  
"Milady, what did I receive?"  
  
"Oh, Elrohir, well we got you an ATTICUS tee."  
  
"Oh." Elrohir had no idea what an Atticus was, but he felt that he would insult Ryan if he admitted that he didn't know.  
  
*AT THE FOOD COURT (this part is so goddam funny, I wish I'd wrote it, oh wait, I did)*  
  
"Sam, get your butt over here."  
  
"Sorry I had another fit." Sam's cheeks were still pink and she was taking huge gulps of air, so she promised herself she wouldn't look at Haldir until she had completely composed herself.  
  
Once again, Ryan bought food for everyone. They sat down and it took quite a long time to teach the elves how to eat burritos.  
  
"It's a burrito. Shove it in your face and chew!"  
  
Soon after these helpful instructions were given, the elves had refried beans covering their noses and were not very successful in their attempts to save their dignity.  
  
"Kids these days. They've got no respect for their elders. Even when they're eating, they can't be civilized." The old woman's companions sadly nodded for the teenagers lost souls.  
  
A man with long hair was passing out brochures. No one seemed to be taking them. Actually, people seemed to be avoiding the man altogether.  
  
Elrohir approached the man. "Are you an elf too?" he said, fingering the man's long blond hair, looking for pointed ears.  
  
The man looked at him with pity. "Jesus loves you."  
  
"Oh. Is that this earth's god? My twin and I and the rest of our house honor Elbereth."  
  
"Elbereth! Why, he is the very spawn of Satan!"  
  
"Elbereth is a female god. And who is Satan?"  
  
"Satan has a daughter?!!! Oh mercy in heaven!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Ryan ran toward the two and dragged Elrohir back to the table. "Listen to me, Elrohir. Stay away from the evangelists."  
  
"He seemed very much like an orc to me. Believe me I will not be in his vicinity again."  
  
"Uh, that's good."  
  
"Hey Arwen, we've got something to show you." The devilish grin on Sam's face gave her away instantly.  
  
*AT FYE RECORDS (which we also don't own, goddam, is this PC even mine?!)*  
  
"Oh god! He soooooooooooooooo cute!! Oh my god!!!!!!! When he cut off that orc's head I swear to god I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I TOTALLY know!!!!!! He's the most manly things I've ever seen!!!!!!! I think I'll kill myself if I could just touch him!!!!! (swooning major)"  
  
"Oh god I bet he smells good too!!!!!!!!! All covered in sweat and dirt like that!!!!! Oh god!!!!"  
  
"Sam, what in the hell are you doing?!"  
  
Sam was in the process of dragging 4 elves all the way across the mall in order to show Arwen the cardboard cutout of Aragorn that was in the window of FYE. Unfortunately, their view was blocked by two hideously gushy fangirls who had fogged up the glass.  
  
"What are they looking at?" Arwen was straining her neck for a view of what was getting the girls all riled up.  
  
"Alright. Break it up. Move along." Ryan shoved the two fangirls out of the way and showed them to the nearest makeup counter.  
  
"OH IT'S ARAGORN!!!!"  
  
"Yep. I knew you'd like it."  
  
"COME BACK HERE YOU TWO ORCS!!!! YOU CAN'T LOOK AT MY HUSBAND LIKE THAT AND JUST WALK AWAY WITH ALL YOUR LIMBS!!!!!!" "Oh crap. Arwen calm down. It's okay, it happens a lot. No one takes them seriously."  
  
"But they were looking at MY husband!!! He's MINE! Goddammit!!"  
  
"Well they certainly caught onto the language quickly."  
  
"Shut up Sam. It's your fault. You brought her here." Ryan was quite frustrated with the reaction to the cardboard.  
  
"Sorry. I thought she'd like it. Hey, Legolas what are you doing?"  
  
Legolas was leaning up against the glass, peering at another poster. "It's me. I thought I was taller. How strange. I look quite hideous on paper."  
  
Sam could barely contain her laughter. "I wouldn't speak too soon Leggie. You'd really get a kick out of all the fantasies human girls have about you. It's all on ff.net."  
  
Ryan collapsed into a fit of hysterics. "I'd give anything to see his reaction to certain stories about apple butter and chains!!!! And Elladan/Elrohir slash! And Arwen would have fit about all the Aragorn slash! And the things those girls have going on between Haldir and Legolas!!!!" Ryan was utterly dying of lack of air and her ribs started to hurt.  
  
Elrohir walked up to Sam, as did the rest of the elves.  
  
"What's apple butter?"  
  
"And what is this about my twin and I? I'm quite confused."  
  
"Milady, what is slash?"  
  
"What would I have a fit about?!" The last comment was made by a seething Arwen.  
  
Sam was overwhelmed and was not receiving any help from her incapacitated partner in this little adventure. *Oh well, I did start it.*  
  
"One at a time, people. Although I don't think you'll be thrilled with the answer."  
  
*Dang. Now she'd have to explain homosexuality to elves. At least it was better than biology.* 


End file.
